And no one
Fucking no one
Is here when I need them.
Fucking NO ONE,
I am the antagonist,
Please persist.
Someone, just kill me.
I never wanted any of this.
Is there any way out? WILL I EVER MAKE IT OUT OF HELL ALIVE?;
Still whole, or dangling by some flaming
fragile twine?
I am completely
solitary
in this weakened
state of humility
i don't want
to care about
what you say
so fuck the perilous games you play
i never wish to see your face
hurt my presence again.
forget "being a friend"
you can kiss my ass after all those nasty accusations
filling my conscience
with your ignorant revelations,
forget the day that fetus escaped womb,
and let me fall into
this sparkling abyss
of mediocre illusions of happiness,
just give me this
one thing, let the scissors
take time to rust before you clip my wings;
i want to feel the sting.

it's so cold here, i can't even bleed.
my wrath is frozen, so are my dreams.
the atmosphere's burning
as I'm trying to sleep;
the violence is deafening,
I can't even think!
I'm afraid to blink;
in the split second it takes my eyes to
shut, open, and readjust,
i might have missed a moment
so worthily undescribable that i'd give the world
to rewind the fragile aspects of time.
the wreckage that lies in my wake, unjustly understandable.
I am monster morality, created
by the society shame machine.

I ache for something more yet nothing less
Than this toxic happiness.

life is faded, jaded, i am ripped open and frusterated in this dialted sense of complication i feel NOTHING! i stare up at these clouds and wonder who else sees them too, in this same moment, i'm dreaming of someone is it you? locked inside guarded mind, guilty conscience swallows key, i never was in love with you but you meant a great deal to me, when will i return and become free against all perils and plights that might try to undo me? never will i flee my destiny and die alone in the streets, mangled by forces obstructed by the unseen, i litter the walls with politically infused obscenities while i try to calm this desperate boiling rage seething inside of me. i'll never break, conform and bury
my soul beneath seven layers of hell
solid concrete at every level, trapped inside this wishing well
i ache for the comforts reisiding two hundred and fifty-some miles away
i dream of resolution and peace, to replace depression and put satisfaction within my reach
eyes rolling into my skull, pounding gallons of bleach and we never stop, no. we never play it down or let go. fall away from the scene and break free of the chains, forever commited to an insane life of shame.
WHERE IS MY BRAIN? its lurking within infestation of odd beliefs and tragic philosophies. i never thought things would come to this but i love this. i never wish to leave. please, someone save me.
i refuse to be forgotten, i am too young to die
yet for the past three months, no three years, substances provide a way to surivive, live life more alive than truly being ALIVE also known as DEPRIVED in this shit town. take me to the city, baby. i miss seattle.

i don't even know if i should go into details about last weekend. i was fucked up every day. im kind of ashamed of some things that i did. i'm really fucking stupid at times. i sat in my room for the past few days starind down those razorblades. but i'm stronger. i know. right..?

A million life changing things have happened since I wrote last. I squatted in Seattle for a week with Derek and Mikey.
Met a bunch of amazing people, including one in particular. His name is Stevie.
Sexy guy, really. Dreadlocks and tye dye, plays music, funny as shit. And smokes a lot of good pot.
Seems like a sensitive and smart one too. Which is rather rare.
I smoked a lot of pot, drank a lot of beer and wine and robotripped for like 4 or 5 days straight over there. Needless to say I was pretty burnt out when I got back. My kidneys were NOT pleased with me. Most everyone we met was warm and kind and generous. That place is SWARMING with opportunity and possibility. But I won't go into any more detail on Seattle, there's too much to say and so many things I'll never be able to remember. I could never do the trip the justice it deserved because it changed my life for the better I believe. But I do plan on moving there next summer. For sure. I loved it there. When I came back to Moses Lake I felt really depressed. I saw how truly oppressive this place is. As I realized all this I felt something cold grow inside my chest. After the first day back to school I wanted to leave already. Didn't want to face it. But school has turned out to not be as bad as I thought it would. My classes are CWP, advanced digitools, Intro to business, Geometry, literature and office assistant. 6th period is the best. I don't have to do much of anything. CWP and Lit. are really interesting because Lederbore teachers them. I don't like math, but I'm glad I don't have science or P.E. this year.

Anyways..... last night there was a party at little Mikeys house. Big Mike was supposed to come pick me up at 7 but I guess he forgot. I called him around 9:30 and he came to get me..... him and Chris were both drunk. I was rollin at the party. Me and Derek clicked right away which was unexpected. I thought that things wouldn't be the same back in Moses as they were in the big city. He opened up to me there. I felt like we bonded, or something. But last night was cool. I hung out with Derek all night. We ended up hooking up in the park... I was rollin and he was wasted. It was kind of beautiful though. We were having sex, but talking at the same time. And it wasnt awkward...suprisingly. It was comforting. Out of all the people at that party I knew he was the only one I would have slept with. Not because I'm in love with him or anything crazy like that. But I know he cares about me and I trust him. He's a great guy even if he has his assanine tendencies. He's a friend I'm pleased to have made this summer. I'm going to miss him and Mikey and big Mike a lot when they move.

I can't wait to get out of this shit place!

This summer seems to have flown by. It's already the 24th of August. In 5 days I am supposed to go register at school. Tomorrow I have to take my final drive for drivers Ed (again) at 8 AM... I really hope I pass. Reva was supposed to come over tonight and robo with me. I have 2 bottles of gel caps (the best kind, that won't make you puke!).... it's so tempting but I told her we'd fry together.
So I've got to save them for tomorrow. At the moment, I'm irritated to the point where just hearing my mother's voice drives me up the wall. I just wish everyone would shut the fuck up. I wish everything was different. I hate this! I hate myself. I look in the mirror and want to smash it.  Yesterday Derek told me to go on a diet. The boy I've been fascinated with for the past month/and a half basically told me I'm a fat cow. Such a petty thing from someone who I TRUTHFULLY don't know that well shouldn't mean anything but to be honest it hurt a lot. I've always suffered from self esteem issues. I'm not overweight because I'm lazy. I got really into working out and dieting for awhile this summer. However, getting stoned and sitting on my ass at home helps none when trying to lose weight. Especially because I pig out. But once school starts, I'm going to have something to focus on. I'm going to involve myself in homework as well as losing weight. Sure, I'll still party and smoke weed. But it doesn't need to be an every day thing. It can't be anymore if I want to start living a healthier life. I hate being over weight because of the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Like people are ONLY looking at my fat when they talk to me. Like that is all they see. I'm sure it's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I feel disgusting,huge,horrid. It makes me want to take a knife and cut it all off!

I have no self confidence. I need to gain some.
Along with better will power. I've got to conquer this love/hate relationship with food.
I want to be able to walk into a room and feel BEAUTIFUL.

I can't stand being around my family. I hate to say it. I am irritated constantly. I spend 90% of my time  here wanting to bitch slap one or more of them or curl up in my bed and wait for them all to go to sleep. Only at night am I at peace in this house. And sometimes they disturb me even then.

It's not that I crave solitude. I just crave company of people like me. I don't want to be near my mother. She bitches constantly. She is pathetic and weak. She doesn't stick up for herself. She is living a life that she hates. She is constantly unhappy. She never really has anything good to say and when she does say something good... it always sounds a little forced to me. She tries to put on this happy fucking family face but I know it's all a lie.

My stepdad is a crackhead. He yelled at me just today when he was home on lunch break. Telling my little sister she was in his way and on and on. I simply asked him why did it matter if she chose to make her lunch when he was preparing his lunch as well? He's a grown man, I'm sure he can adjust to having two people in our kitchen. I mean, sure, our house is no mansion but the kitchen isn't so miniscule that he can't manage to make some chili while someone scoops egg salad into a bowl. He started getting upset and being really rude to me. As soon as he leaves my mom goes into a storm about how much of an asshole he is. I know he's a dick. You don't need to go over this with me again. I've been her sole confidant since I was like 7 or 8 years old. I am the only person she can talk to. She has no friends because she's an obsessive nag. The last time I left my house due to being angry with my parents I told her she needed to get off her ass and get a fucking job. I felt bad about saying it at the time but now that I look back on it, that's exactly what she needs to do. She may have a disease that causes her to be in pain. She needs to go to the doctor, get some good drugs, and try to find a fucking job. She could do it. She just has no faith or hope for herself so she chooses to be a stay at home mom with no life besides the computer and getting into my sister's and my business. Not to mention the neighbors. My mother's life has actually become so pathetic that she must resort to constantly gossiping about the neighbors. Not to mention she doesn't do much besides eat, sit on the computer (either on Sims, Ebay or some form of online game). What a pitiful existance.

My little sister, well, she's a different story. She's 12 years old but she acts about 9-10. She isn't handicapped; just very immature. She's always been the baby of the family. At her age, I was starting to drink and take prescription speed. That's as good as meth. And for a 12 year old? Unthinkable. I could never picture my little sister doing things I was doing when I was 13. Yet she is only a year away. I know I should be thankful that she has made good choices, never tried pot (though there have been countless occasions when, if she had asked me, I would have let her smoke with me) or any other substance.
Yet at the same time, I wish she would ask to smoke with me, or something. Just so we could share something. I feel so alone here. I do love my mother but I can't handle her. She thinks she understands me but she has no idea of the things I've done, that I continue to do. Things I could never tell her or anyone else because I'm just too ashamed. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone to open up to. I don't think my friends could ever understand. And even if I tried talking to them. It wouldn't be the whole story. It wouldn't be the whole truth. Because I can never expose that part of me. I can never shine light on that part of my darkened past. I laid that portion of my soul to waste.

I want to quit drugs. Quit everything. Say goodbye to my family. Say goodbye to my friends. I hate this life, I hate this pitiful and miserable existance in which I reside. No, this is not a suicide letter. This is a statement of my unhappiness. Though there have been countless similar confessions. I hate this life. I hate myself. I hate those around me. But I love myself, I respect myself, I love and care for everyone around me. I am utterly confused. I know not what to expect. I have no idea where I will end up throughout the journey of my life. I am frightened but I am excited. Slightly terrified but undoubtedly eager to break free. 

Last night turned out to be incredibly lame. Mikey didn't even go to the fair. I think they went to Hempfest. Rhiannan and I and her cousin Cora went. Rhiannan WAS a bitch to me. We hung out with Kato and Aaaron Nelson. Kato, my ex, who basically raped me while we were "dating" if you can call it that. Yea. They bought me beer. Now my 30-Bomb is sitting in Cascade Valley. I hate that shit. Buying beer that I dont even get to drink. I have miller lite at Jesse's, 2 40 oz of Old E at Thorin's in Mae Valley.

Ugh I am getting the most awful feelings lately. Sickish. Eating too much or not at all... I feel like I could fall over and pass out. I fell asleep at 7 and woke up around 9. I expect I'll go to bed soon after this. But yea. Last night was pretty fucking weird. I gave rhiannan $40 to buy some mushrooms ($25 for an 1/8 for myself...this being my first time by the way) and $15 was loaned to her so she could buy TWO eights for HERSELF. She proceeded to tell me, Fuck You! or some shit after I reminded her nicely that she would need to pay me back eventually. This is the girl that still owes me $15 from like fucking March when she said she could get me XtC and ended up forgetting what she did and apparently spending the money. She wanted to leave the fair with these people that I didnt even know, she didnt explain what was really going on to me and I ended up staying at Cora's house on the base while she did who knows what. But in the morning when she came over to Cora's she had ....once again.... lost the money or couldnt remember what happened to it.  I hate being manipulated. I hate being treated like shit. I hate being treated like I'm only good enough to hang out with if it involves me having money.

On a different note. I saw Addison at the fair. He's this kid I've known since elementary school and who was madly in love with me during the 8th grade. He turned out to be pretty fuckin cute! Longish hair, bandana, vans. Kind of emo looking but cute anyways.

Blah. I need to get off the drugs. I keep telling myself I'm gonna quit everything. Except robotripping. Wow. I love it. I wanna do it again. I wonder if Mikey still has all those bottles we stole in Soap Lake. I'll have to get ahold of him soon. Tomorrow I need to actually do something fucking CONSTRUCTIVE for once. Go on a walk and clean my room. Yea. That's my goal.

i'm so tired, i can't sleep
i'm a liar and a thief
sit and drink pennyroyal tea
i'm anemic royalty

I cant stop thinking yet
I cant think at all because my mind's too hazy
I'm beginning to hate this so much! But I can't stop!!

Every day is the same. Sleep. Hate. Dream. Wonder. Fear. Inxoticate. Sleep.
This cycle is growing tiresome but at the same time I never want to leave this place,
It's so wonderful and I've never felt more alive even though in all truth I'm slowly killing myself
Each and every day I behave like this. I don't want to die young nor do I wish to see my friends meet that fate.
What the fuck is wrong with the youth of today? What happened to us that corrupted and mutilated any form of hope and faith we could possibly possess? We are so full of shit and nothingness. Nihilistic ideas infest and our promise begins to decay. I'm fed up with this crusade to make it through one more day where all I see and feel is full of hate.